Holding on and Letting Go

Aug 06, 2012 -- 6:32am

Hey...it's been a while...I haven't posted a blog in a quite some time...a few people have mentioned it might be time ...so here we are.  Time flies by so quickly.  My 16 year old, Sydney recently was saying to her friends how quick time is going for her now that she's older...I thought...wow, you have no idea!!  Days quickly turn to weeks....weeks to months..And so on.  The past month has been busy and relaxing at the same time.  We ended a ratings period at K-Shasta so it's the time of the year when we can take vacation.  I've treated myself to some long weekends and that has been really nice.  The past 4 weekends I've been at weddings with my DJ business, so I haven't had much time to myself....just a Sunday here and there to get things back in order in the house and back to work.

I've met some great people at the recent weddings.....ahhhh Love and Bliss...I'm surrounded by it.....for the moment as they party, celebrate the new couple and dance.  Saturday the 4th was spent at Pine-Gri-La.  It's off I-5 at the Castella exit and 11.5 miles up the winding road that leads to camping areas, cabins and a beautiful green meadow with a majestic view of Castle Crags.  After setting up the big system for dancing, I head to the meadow where the ceremony will be to set up for music there also.  Once all is plugged in, to sound check, I start the song "Marry Me" by Train and walk through the green grass past the perfectly placed chairs to the east side of the flower covered arch that awaits Kevin and Sarah to exchange vows and become man and wife. 

As the song plays, a gaze out past the pines, and Castle Crags to a picture perfect blue sky and realize I am more at peace than I have been in a long time.  Why? ...I'm not sure exactly.....Perhaps a realization that I must let certain things go....or at least change the way I view them....It's so easy to dive in very deep and not come up for air......allow yourself, your thoughts, your heart to go to place that just doesn't yet exist.  Will it exist someday in the distant future?.....Perhaps.....It's easy to paint a picture in your mind of what you truly want....but until you sign the bottom right corner, finally put the brush down, and hang it on the wall....it's just a dream in progress....the unfinished portrait of your wants and desires. 

I suppose because I truly am as some say a hopeless romantic....I prefer "hopeful"  romantic...because of this, a part of me refuses to completely let go.  I've said before that real connection, a strong attraction between two people that absolutely can not be denied, the feeling that someone "moves" you, excites you, makes you smile and feel alive....that feeling simply does not come around that often.....at least mutually.  So the peace I'm feeling really is from the combination of Holding on and letting go.  Seems to be working for the moment.  I feel the renewed confidence in myself that I do have so much to give to another.....and in all honesty, as much as I feel that...I know now is really not the time.  The energy that surrounds me and I put forth is all for my daughters....it always will be... but now is "our" time.  I live and breathe for them.  Many say "oh, having a teenage daughter, that's tough!"....for me...Sydney and I have always been close with periods of distance of course.  But now as she grows and seeks freedom, we seem to grow closer...it feels like she appreciates me more...Our home is a fun place to be for her and her friends...I like that and I know she does too.  Plus as the years have brought us to this place, she understands my struggles and I understand hers....  Shayla is close to being 5 and starting school and is also the center of my world...the experiences she is giving me are priceless....I hope I'm giving her the same.  She is an amazing young girl who speaks her mind and has lately been telling my secrets....it's funny how much she understands my "holding on and letting go".....she knows exactly where my heart is and for the moment…I do too.

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